My biggest dream
I wake up to the crisp summer sunlight peeking through the window and the birds singing good morning. Noah is snuggled up next to me and as I look down a big smile spreads across his face as he twists my hair in his two fingers. "what do you want to do today little man?" Noah smiles and leaps out of bed he runs to the kitchen and pulls open the doors pointing to fresh fruit on the top shelf. I pick him up and help him reach it as he takes a sweet plum and puts it up to his mouth and says "delicious."
After breakfast he places his hand on my shoulder and yells "you're it!', as he bolts out the door. I stand there watching as he finds a yellow butterfly shooting by and he begins chasing all around the garden. Finally I run up to him whisk him into my arms high in the air and say "now you're it."
Noah smiles mischievously as he slips from my grip and runs towards the garden pool. He squeals with happiness as he jumps feet first splashing me from the edge of the pool. We play mermaids and pretend we are deep sea divers exploring the treasures below the surface until the sun begins to align with the shade trees.
We decide to take a walk and pretend to get lost in the very familiar yard and we make a map to find our way back to the castle for a bit of lunch. Noah has decided today will be a pizza day so we put on our fake mustaches and make a pizza from scratch in our best Italian accents. "Mama Mia, this is the best" Noah says as he picks the last pepperoni from the remaining slice.
We build a fort in the living room and make believe there is an evil dragon just in the hallway and we are ever so quiet to not wake him. But then Noah jumps up like the brave knight he is and slays the dragon forever keeping our fortress safe.
As the sun begins to fall behind the tall pines we sit on the hammock and talk about our adventures. I listen as he tells me all his dreams for the future and we watch as the moon begins to make it's appearance. One day Noah says he will be an astronaut. I tell him how my worried mother heart would miss him so as he flew into space and he tells me he will write our names in the moon sand when he lands.
As night creeps in I chase Noah around his bed while he fights me to not put on his jammies but finally we both end up laughing and jumping on the bed until we collapse into one another's arms and just smile at one another and take a deep much needed breath.
We talk of or dreams and what we will do the next day. What adventures we will have in store slaying dragons and visiting the tallest buildings that ever existed. He whispers to me " I love you mommy." As I watch him drift to sleep. His tiny fingers twisting my hair in his small hands.
I wake up. Noah is laying snuggling close to me, twisting my hair I whisper " I love you Noah." He just smiles. I take his tiny hand and kiss it and tell him all about the day we will have and what is planned for us. He just looks at me smiling ,content to look into my eyes and in his own way saying I love you.
The day is full of appointments and therapy. Last week Noah tried with all his might to say I love you. One day he will. I pick him up and place him in his wheelchair and spin him around in circles making him giggle and snort in laughter. And we start our day. Today Noah will have botox in his right arm to help release some of the tightness he has. We hope it will allow his scoliosis regress if he gets a little botox in the right shoulder. His day is filled with shots and car rides to his dr's.
As we walk out the door I notice a yellow butterfly pass right by Noah's face but he never saw it. I place him in the car and our day begins. There is no talk of dragons and astronauts. there is only the language he and I have created to understand one another. Mostly cooing and smiles and lots of hugs.
At the end of the day I snuggle up to him and kiss his forehead. "I love you Noah," I whisper as he takes his little fingers and grabs my hair and twists it as he smiles looking into my eyes. And he drifts to sleep.
My biggest dreams are the ones where Noah runs around in this world leaving tiny footprints and echoes of laughter but more importantly my realistic dreams are that he never forgets to smile and twist my hair at night. I tell Noah about the man in the moon as he closes his eyes and drifts to sleep.
I wonder as I watch him sleeping does he know what the moon really looks like? I dream for Noah. I dream of lazy days and long talks. I dream of running and screaming as loud as we can just because we can. In my dreams we chase each other around all day and sing and dance to every song on the radio and in my dreams Noah tells me his dreams. But for now, I dream for him. And the little boy he has yet had the chance to be.